I watched one of those Christmas cooking show specials where a team of bakers and designers had to bake and build a theme cake. But when it comes to the holidays, it’s not just about cake. It’s all about creating an enormous diorama worthy of the front lawn of the most over-decorated homes in the land… the ones that you can see from outer space, each with the electrical consumption of a small village.
What that has to do with baking, I don’t know, because only a fraction of a percent is actually cake. The rest appears to exist more in the realm of electrical engineers, Disney Imagineers, and Macy’s window-dressers.
Even for bakers of artisanal cakes worthy of television coverage, I doubt there is a calling for many cakes that come complete with their own 8 to 12 foot decorated sets.
(After all, I once went to a wedding that cost $750,000, and if THAT cake didn’t come with its own motorized, electrically-lighted spectacle with surround-sound and computerized controls, I can guarantee you that THIS cake competition scenario isn’t a real thing.)
Now I know that that’s not the point. The objective of these competitions is all about the excesses of food porn. I get it. Yet, I still find it necessary to complain because of the lack of cake and the excess of carpentry, ironwork, and mirror balls.
So the theme of this particular competition was The Day After Christmas. Contestants had to theme their “cake” (a 6-foot x 6-foot art exhibit with a few cake molecules) to what they imagined “the day after Christmas would look like for Santa Claus”.
The winning “cake” was a gigantic diorama of an ice cream shop, complete with an ice cream counter, backdrop, tables, and chairs. Motorized Santa and Mrs. Santa were serving ice cream, malts, and I guess, hopefully, cupcakes, to happy sugar-rushed kids, with smiling, observant parents eating their own frozen delights.
WHAT?!!!
ARE YOU #%$&-ING KIDDING ME?
These kids just went through the entire run-up to Christmas, complete with seasonal snacks, chocolate Santas, candy canes, bon-bons, and Christmas stockings full of enough sugar to keep the whole economy of Brazil in the black… not to mention the kid-spoiling of Christmas presents under the tree, all duly destroyed by Christmas night!
Do you really want us to believe the winning theme should be more of that? Are you really that unimaginative, or that much of a panderer to the kids?
NOT ON MY WATCH.
Here’s my winning entry:
In my Day After Christmas, I present to you Santa and Mrs. Santa’s Bar and Grill and Spa and Game Room.
In my imagination, a number of Santa’s toy-building elves were given most of December off, enabling the reserves of stamina needed to operate this paradise. Santa Claus, Mrs. Santa, and all the kids’ parents are being served beer, wine, and mixed drinks, to smoothly recuperate from Christmas and the run-up thereto.
The parents rotate through the spa, drinks in hand, for foot rubs and massages, while ordering table service of burgers, wings, and anything other than turkey, stuffing, and slimy casseroles. There are plenty of widescreens for college bowls and NFL games, plus live bands.
What about the kids? Hey, I’m not a Grinch!
The kids get totally, happily isolated from their parents in a game room with safe, capable top-elf supervision. These elves got November and December off. There are unlimited arcade and video games and lots of burgers and snacks. No sugar.
My cake component? We’ll add a dessert bar outside the spa area. What’s Christmas without a flourless chocolate cake?