So there’s the kind of yule log that you eat, and the kind of yule log that you burn. Traditions vary, but the common core is that you burn the yule log for one or more nights around Christmas to ensure good fortune.
As long as I can remember, the burning of the yule log has had it’s own marathon TV broadcast on some local or cable channel every year, supplemented with releases of videotapes and DVDs. There are many streaming versions now available across your favorite streaming platforms, and the latest TV broadcasts seem to include puppies, kittens, and even piglets playing in front of the fire.
It's time to light my yule log... and I guess I'll start the fireplace, too.
So, zoning out, gazing into the fire as different thoughts bounce through my head, I like to keep a journal. Join me!
If you send me an "annual newsletter" with your Christmas card, don't be pissed when I use it to light my yule log. For once, I’m not using "yule log" as a euphemism.
Research: 3 in 5 Americans Say Family Most Important Part of Holidays- others cite Instagram, Facebook
Jane Fonda is as old as I remember Henry Fonda used to be. Does this happen to you?
Headline of the Future: Walmart opening store in North Pole, elves worried about their jobs.
Ate a gingerbread house for breakfast. I don't even like gingerbread.
Headline of the Future: Santa goes hybrid vehicle, Rudolph out of work.
I just hope I don't find reindeer turds on the roof again this year.
I'll leave cookies out for Santa but he'd better not touch my wine.
I thought being naughty WAS being nice?
Headline of the Future: Santa's North Pole sweatshop busted.
Finally figured out ingredients of eggnog: 50% Egg, 50% Nog
I miss the huge cardboard brick fireplace with the tinsel flame lit by a red nightlight that I had as a kid.
Last year I caught Santa playing my video games.... at least I think it was Santa.
Holiday Tip: No matter what your New-Age Life Coach says, an Egg Nog enema is not a good idea.
"Bite me" is not a good comeback for a gingerbread man.
What do I buy the voices in my head for Christmas?
Anyone want some of this damn fruitcake?
Only my kid could ask if Santa's sleigh has Bluetooth. Good question, though.
If you haven’t had Swedish Glogg (warm non-alcoholic fruit wine with mulling spices) you need to get to IKEA. Vodka optional. Maybe.
Is there such a thing as a food hangover? Yes, there is.
Oldie but goodie- Q: Why is Mrs. Santa so frustrated? A: Because Santa only comes once a year!
I told that joke in my stand-up routine when I was a teenager. Didn't get me laid then, either.
Gifts to return: Chia Dildo
Gifts to return: DVD of Santa Claws 2
I never see any of my neighbors bringing in groceries from their cars. Creepy.
Tradition, or Euphemism? “Stuffing the Christmas goose”
Tradition, or Euphemism? “Coming down the chimney”
Tradition, or Euphemism? “Unwrapping the presents”
Tradition, or Euphemism? “Santa delivering goodies from his sack”
A thought about texting: Do you mean that you really are too lazy to type the "O" when answering me with "Ok"? Let’s type “Ok”, k?
The Christmas gift for the person who has EVERYTHING: Louis Vuitton condoms. No, really.
I just saw Rudolph! Oh, wait. That was my drunk neighbor’s nose, and he’s on his roof again.
Nowadays Rudolph would just have xenon headlights.
Is it too early to start breaking my 2022 New Year’s resolutions?
Dear PETA, I'm eating at a Brazilian steak house Christmas party this week. I do promise I won't wear fur, at least.
OMG, I can't stand the "Top 10 ___ of the Year" lists starting already.
So what will YOU re-gift?
I live in the only place in the world where the taxis drive slowly.
Black Friday Part 2: Coming home at 1 AM on Christmas eve, and wrapping presents 'till 5 AM.
Two for me, one for Santa, two for me, one for Santa --> Me, putting out cookies on Christmas Eve
Public Service Announcement: If you received a vibrating "Santa's Little Helper"™ as a gift, it doesn't come with batteries.
Gifts to return: Fruitcake-flavored lube
This malbec goes great with the chocolate truffles. Want some?
Looking ahead at New Year's resolutions: Good thing red wine and dark chocolate are classified as healthy eatin'!
By December 27th, after 3 days of Christmas food, I’ll be dying for a damn pizza.
Dear Santa, I've been a naughty boy, so you already know what I want.
I’m hoping that all your Christmas wishes come true! If not, there's the day-after-Christmas sale.